who knew it was this easy

last time i implied that as president of the united states i could cut taxes by eighty percent. my email inbox was so full with message from voters that i wish i had gmail. responses ran the gamut: “your crazy,” “please lower my taxes, please,” “how,” “you have my vote,” “i've been waiting for a candidate like you for all my life,” “will you be my lover.” let's be honest, it was a gamut of praise.

the social security act is something we can blame on president franklin roosevelt. but since people nowadays have never heard of him, we will blame clinton. bush proposes an ownership society, and that includes ownership of your retirement savings. i have already talked about how much social security costs us. it's time to cut taxes by eliminating social security. but it won't be easy because social security is a mistake that we have to pay for, a debt that we have to pay off. so, as president, i would immediately stop the accrual of social security benefits to all individuals and pay out benefits to all those to whom benefits are due under the old system. of course, this will require those in future generations to pay for someone else's retirement while being guaranteed that no one will do the same for them in the future. i call it sacrifice for a tax-free tomorrow. as the years go by, the american people will thank me for reducing the onerous taxes collected to pay for social security. americans will thank me for putting dollars back in their rightful, responsible hands. and with those dollars back in the taxpayers hands, americans will save for luxurious retirements, as parsimony is the touchstone of american culture.

health and human services, another huge waste of taxpayer money. i say let's cut medicare and medicaid. now don't get all excited. people will be able to pay for it with health savings accounts, which are tax free. that means hard working americans can avoid shitloads of taxes on money contributed to this savings account. as we all know, americans pay so much in taxes, this shelter will provide more than enough to pay for an individuals health care costs.

the national debt is also bill clinton's fault. if he didn't commit adultery, we probably wouldn't have the national debt. but again, we must pay for his costly mistakes. with social security and health and human services out of the budget, eliminating the national debt should be easy, and when it is gone, taxes will be reduced to all-time lows.

after i have cut all these taxes, the market economy will become a virile bull with huge testicles. every person will be making so much god damn money that a five percent flat tax will pay for everything, including a bigger military.

a rising tide lifts all boats, but of course some people will miss the boat. i’m a compassionate man, i know that. hopefully they will be funneled into the prison-industrial complex, whatever that is. anyway, these prisons will become economic development cornerstones in impoverished rural areas.

i am ben and i approve this message.